Wednesday, 29 June 2016

The Weekend After the Night Before



I don't usually touch on the political here, this is my shiny happy space, but the way i'm feeling right now I need to let it all out.  For me the referendum result has been something akin to breaking up with a lover.

Thursday evening i'm slightly jittery but everyone assures me that we will be all right, people hate change, nothing will happen....look at Scotland, they didn't leave.
Equivalent - Having a slight hunch that you partner is not happy but all your friends assure you it's fine and you think yeah it's fine, I think he's just down, he has been very busy with work.

I settle down to watch the referendum on telly, the pound is up, a few positive texts with friends and I feel fine. 
Equivalent - Lover cooks you dinner and you share a bottle of wine, things seem ok and you relax.

By 1 am i'm not feeling that positive the results coming in are not as good as were predicted. At 2 am I go to bed feeling uneasy.
Equivalent - You get drunk, your partner tells you he's not feeling that happy but skirts round the issue as to why, you pass out.

I awake at 5:30 I check the news on my phone, I can't breath, my heart is in my stomach, I start to shake and then the tears come.  I wait half an hour before I go and tell my partner, who is sleeping in my eldest daughters room, the news.
Equivalent - Partner tells you he no longer loves you and leaves.
Spend the morning obsessively talking to people on facebook, with radio four in the background untill 7am, when I phone my mum.
Equivalent - Lost and afraid I call my mum and she makes me feel better.

Drink coffee, drive to meet a friend at a nature reserve with the kids, I leave my phone in the car so I don't look at it.  Try to talk about something different, but end up obsessively ranting about the referendum. 
Equivalent - Meet a friend who has also experienced a recent break up, try to talk about something else but obsessively talk about the referendum. 

Drive home, I'm still angry and upset. Windows down, music blaring, I sing along through tears.  It's a beautiful sunny day and the sun is shining on this green and pleasant land. How can everything look this pretty when the worlds gone home. I can't go home alone, I turn up at a friends house we talk more.
Equivalent - It's all I can talk about I will talk about it to anyone who will listen.

I go home, I drink some cider and  skip dinner, my partner is not sure what to make of it all, I seem pretty upset.  I get the baby to sleep and I drink more cider and obsessively read everything brexit related.
Equivalent - I get drunk and go through pictures of me and him together.  and stalk him on Facebook.

I awake early, I feel worse, more angry, I post lots of things on Facebook. I check right move to look at house prices in, Scotland, we are going to move to Scotland!!!. I look at my baby, I cry, I feel like I have let her down. 
Equivalent - I get up early, I text him several messages when I know I shouldn't

The day goes on.  I go for a swim, it helps but i'm still sad

Five days on and I have channelled my energy into signing petitions and writing to M.P's. I feel ashamed, and,with the rise of racist incidents, I feel like I don't recognise my country. I'm a long way from acceptance but I will get there.      

    
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
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Monday, 13 June 2016

Changes



Since having a baby, I seem to have lost my blogging mojo. My second baby is very much like my first, and requires an arm round her to sleep. I am, therefore, mostly limited to one handed activities, this generally means that I spend way to much time on Instagram! If I'm honest, having steped away from blogging a bit, I have felt a bit shy about returning...... in the same way the post baby me feels a bit awkward going out in the evening with friends. A feeling like I have forgotten how things function in a non baby world. But I have missed this little rambling space of mine. 

It feels a little 'all change here at the moment'. My daughters nursery is due to close and I feel so upset about this, She has been going since she was eight months old. I love it and Frieda is thriving there. The staff are so amazing and so loving. Frieda actually took the news much better than me. I cried when they handed me her leaving party invitation, Frieda just became very focused on cake and party bags. It's odd how these external institutions become so entwined into our family life. I entrusted the most precious thing in my life to these people and they did a brilliant job and Frieda developed strong bonds with these women.  On a practical note this was the cheapest nursery we could find and it was the nearest to our house, aside from being my favourite. We will struggle now to find any sort of affordable child care. 

We are in the midst of the slow process of selling our house. Frieda may have had to leave her nursery anyway, due to our house moving antics, so I must not dwell. The whole moving thing has taken all my spare energy up.  I say spare energy.....who am I kidding? I'm a mum of two young children there is no spare energy. After so much, thought, investigation and long conversations back and forth we have decided to leave a pretty perfect town, that ticks all the boxes, and leave some amazing friends, and move to a town that doesn't tick all the boxes, but does feel 'very us' and where we know no one. It's been an agonising decision and part of me wonders why I am giving up what we have here for a bigger house but the house feels too small for us and our hobbies and our excitable children. We don't live near family so we have no where to put them up when they stay. We can't afford an extension at the moment and we can't see that we would ever be able to buy a bigger house in the very expensive town that we live in. We feel incredibly lucky to have been able to buy a house in this lovely town and to be in a situation where we have options. We hope to move 50 minutes away to Hastings, where house prices are a bit cheaper, and we will be so close to my partners work meaning that he will be home a lot earlier and can help with nursery drop offs, which will be amazing. I will commute to work in Brighton two days a week. The move feels bitter sweet. Our house hasn't sold yet so things feel pretty up in the air.  With each viewer who doesn't want the house, I feel a mixture of frustration and relief all at once. Part of me is so pleased to have extra time in this lovely place that I call home but part of me is keen to get moving and start a new life by the sea. 

So there we have it two changes that have left  me feeling a little preoccupied and if I'm honest a little on edge. I have so much more to consider now that I have children and I worry a little about whether we are making the right decision for the girls. My daughter feels very sad about leaving and this sadness totally pulls on my heart strings. I think about my relatively small changes and how hard it can feel at times and I am reminded about all the refugees that have been force to flee recently, how they risk there lives, how hard it must be to make a change forced upon you and I am reminded how very lucky I am that I have choices and opportunities. 
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